Write Your Own Life Story......

I routinely take calls from family members who have lost a loved one and they are trying to write an obituary for them. This can be a very difficult for family members to write, especially during the immediate aftermath of loss. Many times I hear, "there must be an easier way to do this." No one wants to write their obituary in advance because it's such a difficult thing to consider, but a great alternative is writing your Life Story for their family to help them with this at the time of need. 

Your Life Story can be fun to write and it can also be a way to include your family to get some of their favorite memories and thoughts. Many times, writing a Life Story can encourage you more than you can ever imagine, because you'll hear what you've meant to people and they will open up to you like never before. In addition, this can be a time for you to tell your family how much they mean to you. This is also an opportunity for you to share stories that they may have never known about your childhood and other parts of your life. 

The best way to begin is to get started now. This is not something that you want to put off. Write down your ideas on paper and try to think about all of the most important events in your life. This can be about your childhood, your education, your wedding, children and grandchildren... Also, perhaps include your involvement in your place of worship and other organizations with which you are involved.

Get your friends and family involved and have fun with it.  If you need help getting started, feel free to contact me at (951) 737-4040 ext. 1 or The Personal Family General Counsel.

Have you planned for your funeral?

I am 42 years old and I have been to enough funerals to know exactly how I want mine to go down.  I have already put together a slide show with music up to 42.  It includes one of my favorite pictures of  me in pink curlers when my mother tried to give me a Jheri Curl. 

If you come to my homegoing celebration you are going to smile, laugh, dance and remember "Danny, Dan, Daniel, Mr. Alexander or whoever I was to you."  You will leave with a smile on your face and wonderful memories in your heart (unless, of course, you didn't like "Danny, Dan or Mr. Alexander," in that case just send a card and stay home)  I would hate for someone to plan a somber event to honor my death.  Death is a very real part of life, along with taxes. Yet, funerals are the only life cycle event most folks don't want to plan in advance.

Despite the fact that humans have a 100 percent mortality rate, we don't expect to die. If you don't expect to die, you're unlikely to preplan a funeral. And that leads to problems like family discord, higher costs, rote rituals devoid of meaning, and unnecessary stress added to grief.

Wedding planning gets way more attention than funeral planning, even though both events can conceivably cost the same, given a modest wedding and a traditional funeral. Yet, if the bride and groom planned their wedding the way most folks plan a funeral, they'd be scrambling to pull everything together in three days--talk about stress!

We are mortal. Our bodies eventually stop working. Many religions teach that the soul, the spirit that resides within our bodies as long as we breathe, lives forever. So, why fear death, and by extension, why fear funeral planning?

To talk about funeral planning, we would have to admit that this joy ride called life has an end. We'd have to look at how we've lived our lives, examine how we've acted and review what we've done with our time on Earth. We'd be forced to look at how we've treated others, and think about what others would say about us at our funerals. We'd need to take stock of our achievements and contributions to humanity. Perhaps we are afraid we'll find ourselves lacking.

There are other reasons. Medical advances have saved so many lives so many times, it seems like death is optional. We don't like the thought of losing the company of those we love. We avoid thinking or talking about death, perhaps for fear that its contemplation will precipitate the event. And many folks just don't know what to do anymore when it comes to death.

Robert Fulghum, who wrote All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, also wrote a lovely book called From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Lives. Fulghum wrote, "For most of us, once we die, we are no longer in the care of our families and friends -- strangers and institutions take over... Death is not in our school curriculum."

He added, "Instead of a normal part of life, death is treated as an unexpected emergency, something that happens when the medical community fails. We always die 'of something' -- as though if it weren't for that disease or accident, we could have lived on. 'Old age' or 'worn out' or 'life completed' are concepts not found on death certificates or in obituaries. Death in our time means crisis."

In fact, according to one hospice nurse I know, no one has died of old age since the 1950s. That's when death certificates were changed to require listing a specific medical cause of death, such as a heart attack, dementia, or pneumonia.

We use euphemisms for death: passed on; kicked the bucket; gave up the ghost; checked out; left the building; keeled over; took the Big Bus; caught the last train; bought the farm; paid the ultimate price; pushing up daisies; knocking on the Pearly Gates; taking a dirt nap; and gone to the Great (whatever) in the Sky.

You, me, all humanity, we will all need to be disposed of when we die. If you don't talk about what you want done with your lifeless body, you will leave your family and friends in a world of hurt if the Big Bus unexpectedly runs you over tomorrow and transports you to the Pearly Gates. Do everybody a favor and make some plans. It's best to put your two cents in now, while you still can.

Just as talking about sex won't make you pregnant, talking about funerals won't make you dead--and your family will benefit from the conversation. Start a conversation today.  If you have any questions about funeral planning or any other aspect of planning for your death, please give me a call at (951) 737-4040 ext. 1 or email me at The Personal Family General Counsel.